Crimson Shatters
by ryderstryke
Summary: When Shinn Asuka lost his family, he didn't expect anything worse to happen to him. But it did. Shortly after witnessing the death of Mayu and his parents, he was taken into custody by the Earth Alliance, and experimented on. Years later, he is a ZAFT pilot with no recollection of his traumatic events, until an encounter and some memories change that, for the worse.
1. Prologue: The Beginning of Everything

_His world shattered in an instant._

 _Breaths came out shaky and horrified. Bloodied bodies soaked the ground in a sinister fashion. His family joined the rubble. No one else noticed._

 _The mobile suits in the air dispersed, and brought their fighting somewhere else. Somewhere else he didn't care about. For where he was, where he stood, was hell. His feet could barely support him, and his eyes held testimony to the horrors he faced. Nothing more than crimson shatters, and mutilated corpses._

 _His scream pierced the remnants of what used to be his home. His life._

 _It marked the beginning of his sad, cruel life._

 **"If you forget that while you're out there and use that power for the sake of your own logic and self righteousness, you'll be nothing but a destroyer."**

But scars ran deep.

* * *

 _Captain Todaka was a kind man who clearly saw more than Shinn ever had._

 _His hand gently clasped the young man's shoulder, and he brought as many words of comfort as he could. He brought him back to his feet, and offered to take care of him. He was desensitized to what he saw, delivered on a bloody platter. But that didn't mean he was heartless one bit. He was just used to it._

 _Shinn knew that he would have to learn to get used to it as well. To his family dying in front of him. To the war. To everything. To the new nightmares that waited for him._

 _He wasn't ready. But nothing was patient enough to give him time to recuperate. It was the same for everyone else._

 _"I'm sorry, boy," the man said, as he held the shaking boy to the rescue boat. "I'm so sorry."_

 _"No!" Shinn cried out, as he reached out. As if everything was a sick joke. Mayu was waiting for him to bring her back her phone, he thought. He tried to remove himself from the grip of his patient savior, but collapsed in a shuddering mess. "She's... she's there. Please..."_

 _"We have to go, boy. Please, let me-"_

 ** _BANG!_**

 _Todaka pushed Shinn behind him, and placed his hands in the air. "Who... who the hell are you?"_

 _"None of your business, do you think?"_

 _Shinn peered over Todaka's shoulder, and saw the person in front of him. He was wearing a mask and a casual smirk. He showed complete ignorance of the battlefield behind him. Either that, or he didn't care. No one cared. Or maybe they died before they could give a damn._

 _"Tut, tut." He pressed the barrel of his gun to Todaka's steeled face. He let out a breathy chuckle, before cocking his head to his side. "This boy doesn't happen to be a Coordinator, right?"_

 _"Why does it depend? Huh?" Todaka shook his head, with detailed ambivalence in his voice. "Are you one of those pro Natural psychos wanting to wipe off countless more innocent citizens off the map?"_

 _Shinn didn't know what to do. This kind man was about to lose his life to protect him. He didn't know whether or not to declare it altruistic or plainly stupid, as the rescue boat was waiting for him. For them. The refugees were too busy rushing into the boat to pay attention._

 _"Even if I was, you can't deny that Coordinators were born under unnatural means. Don't you pay attention to labels?"_

 _"But they are unneeded! This boy right here just lost his family, and you have the audacity to prolong his suffering?"_

 _"Which brings us back to my point. Is. He. A Coordinator?"_

 _"Yes," Shinn let out in a strangled whisper._

 _"What?" The captor tightened his grip on the trigger. "Speak up, boy. I wouldn't want this old man's brains to join the rest of whatever's left of this hellhole. Or even..."_

 _Troops marched in the battlefield and aimed at the rescue boat. Shinn could hear screams of panic permeating through the atmosphere, as the mobile suits continued fighting on._

 _"I said yes, you bastard!"_

 _"Kid!" Todaka grimaced. "Don't-"_

 _"If this means letting this man live, if this means leaving these refugees alone... then take me." He stepped out from behind Todaka, and held his hands up in the air. "I have nothing left to lose."_

 _"Kid, please don't-"_

 _"Sir, if I don't give myself in now, everyone will die. You will die. And for what? For nothing."_

 _"Please, boy-"_

 _"It's Shinn." He smiled bitterly. "Shinn Asuka. Thank you for all you have done, but let me go."_

 _Before Todaka could protest, Shinn walked over to the side of his captor. The man set aside his gun, and gestured for the boy to follow him._

 _And he did._


	2. 1: The Remembrance of Sabotage

Shinn woke up to panicked thoughts and a vengeful tongue he could never still.

It had been years since he lost his family and, nearly, his sanity. But as if luck would have it (or bad luck, dependent on the viewpoint), he survived. He didn't end up becoming the mindless zombies he played in his favorite video games.

When was the last time he played one? Did the battlefield count? Nothing felt real anymore. He didn't feel real.

"Dissociation," the psychologist said. "He must have experienced detachment from his environment, to the point where he wasn't... present anymore. Interesting survival mechanism. I've personally never seen anything like it."

He didn't remember how he got rescued. All he knew was that he woke up in PLANTs, with no recollection of what he endured for months on end.

His mind was labelled as fragile. Judging by the constant stares placed upon him during his recovery process, he wondered if the word 'fragile' should have been stapled on his head, like the cardboard boxes with glass inside.

He was thought to have been brought up in an abusive home. Doctors shook his hands and questioned him with the softest tones possible, of 'mother' and 'father', and if they hurt him. If they caused the cracks in his skull and the healing scars on his back. Were they jealous Naturals? Or were they Coordinators, like him? They quickly grew frustrated with the boy's lack of understanding, and the confused shrugs delivered to them.

"Is he a mute?" Shinn remembered one of them saying, as the poorly wrapped bandage around his head swept over his eyes. "Or is he simply an idiot?"

He remained unresponsive throughout the questioning, until they asked if he had other family members. If he had any brothers. If he had any sisters.

As soon as the word 'sister' came up, he went ballistic. People were thrown about. One of the nurses was scratched in the face. The psychologist had his face bashed in, until the boy was sedated. Until blackness replaced the red fury he encountered.

But he didn't remember any of that. Except, when he met _her_.

Before that, he was a late soldier enrolled ZAFT military academy. Despite his late admission, he proved to be a talented student. He could aim a gun and fire at targets within the first try. He could defend himself and throw down an enemy two times larger than himself. It got to the point where he scared everyone, including himself.

One such person he scared was Lunamaria Hawke. During one of the training procedures, she was present with her sister, Meyrin. When she affectionately called her 'sister', Shinn experienced a mental breakdown. He had to be sedated once more, and be brought to the infirmary under tight protocol.

She met him there, and asked him about his well being with great concern. That was the first time, since his family died, that he felt welcome. Despite the obvious awkwardness and fear, they quickly became friends.

"Tell me how it was like," she quietly insisted.

"Huh?"

"The... panic. Maybe letting it out will make you feel better?"

"It was like... everything turning dark. Nothing was there except me. I saw disturbing images, of people. Of dying people. I...I don't know how else to explain it."

He was unrestrained several hours later. Lunamaria quickly shot a sad smile at him, before she left.

Rey Za Burrel was a quiet individual who accepted Shinn for who he was. They shared a room together in the academy, though they hardly spoke to each other. After returning from his public breakdown, he nodded in what seemed to be understanding. Shinn hoped it was understanding.

After the incident, he was eyed up and down by his comrades. He wondered if he was the new gossip of the hallways, or the new stereotypical psycho. Just like how Patrick Zala was described, from trying to destroy all Naturals for the sake of Coordinators. Most students in the academy disagreed with his notions, with obvious expressions of disgust painted on their faces from watching his speech during the Bloody Valentine War. Rey's face remained neutral, which did make Shinn question the authenticity of people's opinions. After all: Blue Cosmos wanted to wipe off Coordinators entirely. Radicalism on both sides only made the issue more complicated.

After graduation, Shinn's questioning of his own self grew more frequent. Why couldn't he remember his family? Why did he suffer from panic attacks? How on earth did he learn military techniques so quickly? His mental health constantly restrained him, but he couldn't express it. He felt paralyzed and hopeless.

Lunamaria kindly offered him a military counselor, which he accepted straight away. It started off promising, with advice being given on managing stress by meditation and taking a walk. He thought by talking with the counselor, he could hit the nail on the head, and finally understand the inner turmoil he was experiencing. He went to sleep easier, and excited for the next meeting.

However, it quickly became apparent that finding out what was troubling him was going to be much more difficult than expected. When given questions about possible troubling incidents in his life, he couldn't answer them. His inability to process or understand made both parties unsatisfied, and eventually, he gave up within a week.

He did follow the counselor's advice, and meditated whenever he was alone and bombarded with his often troubling thoughts. When that wasn't as effective, he went for a walk. It didn't solve his problems, though it helped. Step by step, he gathered the courage to combat his fear of others' thoughts by warding away the stares that accumulated upon him. Stares of discomfort and fright. Stares of disgust and mirth. He hated the mirth. He didn't want to be known as a misery case.

This troubled him even during buying groceries. He could have sworn the same stares were upon him by the customers and the cashier. His grip on the brown, paper bag was tight and left marks. As he left the store, he didn't expect anything else, and didn't take notice of someone gleefully dancing until she bumped into him.

After noticing the unfortunate collision, he quickly grabbed her. He didn't notice where he grabbed, or where his groceries flew, because his attention was instead on something... familiar. He quickly grew tense.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

She turned around, and he saw her. _Her_.

"Who are you?"

Memories flooded back.

* * *

 _Shinn tsked as he sunk his blade into his victim's stomach. The boy crumpled to the ground, and fell with a quick thud. Shinn wiped the sweat off his brow, not caring that he was getting blood smeared on it. The air smelled like rotting flesh and... accomplishment. He looked around, and heard no other heartbeat but his. He was alive, once more. Forever more. He couldn't tell if this was his tenth or twentieth time in the damned, cold room._

 _"Fantastic." He was brought out of the room, and his knife was snatched out of his hands. "Excellent results in armaments, piloting simulation and close range combat. At this rate, you'll be in Phantom Pain in no time."_

 _He knew the man was talking to himself, but he didn't care. He grunted, as he was escorted outside._

 _Competitors of varied ages snarled as they looked at him. He rolled his eyes at their cluelessness. He knew he was strong and superior; he was a Coordinator. He was already a step ahead of them. It was in his DNA._

 _He bumped into a girl who shared the same expressions. She was petite but fierce._

 _She huffed, as she eyed him up and down. She likely believed the same thing he did. Except, only one of them was right._

 _And he couldn't wait to show that to her. To rip her apart._

* * *

She angrily threw him off, and ran. Her white high heels clicked on the stony pavement, and he could do nothing except watch as she disappeared.

He looked down at his hands, and felt a small hint of embarrassment. However, it was overshadowed with horror and disgust over himself. If what he experienced wasn't a hallucination, he was a murderer.

"What... what the hell did I do?" he whispered.

"Did you just grab her breasts?"

He heard Yolan snort behind him, and walk away. "Lucky pervert."

It took a lot of effort to pick up what he left on the ground, and follow Yolan back to the ship. His hands were shaking as he picked up every dropped can and package, as his fingers loosely grabbed the tinted objects.

He didn't expect remembering his past to be so horrifying.


	3. 2: Minor Misery

_"...And what kind of asset would he be?"_

 _Shinn sat in the cold, green van obediently, as the strange masked man was calling another person through what seemed to be a phone. It reminded him of Mayu's one, which was clutched tightly in his pale hands. He managed to hide them from the soldiers, though he knew that protecting it should not have had been his priority. It should have been protecting himself. It was too late now._

 _"We've got to fight fire with fire. The Boosted Men, despite their enhancements, are no match for the Coordinators. No matter what they do or how hard they try, they can't kill the enemy. We have to prepare for next time. It's useless to count on them."_

 _"Well, so is introducing a Coordinator. You would expect him to attack his own people? It's not the end of the war yet. Why say something when you don't know what-"_

 _"-He volunteered. And if he's not going to participate, we'll make him."_

 _"Where are we going?" Shinn dared to ask, even though_ _he was shaking from where he was sitting. The memory of his family being blown apart was nowhere close to gone; it was an indelible mark on a damaged psyche._

 _The masked man waved him off, before returning to his conversation. "No worries; the kid's got guts. However, there's only so much one can take before... giving in."_

* * *

"And you should have seen how pissed she was! It was freaking hilarious!"

"Whoa, seriously?" Vino Dupre exclaimed, attracting the attention of several of the crew members. His eyes went as bright as the orange in his hair. "Is she pretty?"

"She's cute, I would say. She looks kinda young, though. No matter. He got lucky, and for such a weirdo like him!"

As Yolan bragged about Shinn's 'lucky' encounter, Shinn tried to focus on the familiar images that were placed in his head. He wondered if the girl he met could have been the key to unlocking his troubled mind. Though, her clear view toward him as a stranger made his situation seem unfathomable. He held his head high, though he wished he could have had said the same for his own composure.

"Yo, Shinn!" Yolan slapped the boy's back and grinned widely. "Did you know the girl's name? How did her boobs feel like? Is she-"

"Be quiet, Yolan," he growled. "I'm busy."

"Busy with what? Oh, you're thinking about her, huh?"

"And you call me the pervert?"

"Hey, Yolan!" Vino hollered. "We're needed down at the repairs!"

"Oh, great. More grease and bolts!" Yolan was whisked away as he flipped Shinn off cheekily. "Bye, bye, Raven Freak!"

That was what he was called back in the ZAFT academy; raven freak, after his 'incident'. Whenever he thought about it, it made him sick. No one liked how his cool, calm composure was linked with his coldness and lack of empathy. If any fellow crew members was sad, he wasn't able to sympathize with them. This was why no one felt bad for Shinn; they egged it on instead.

Only Lunamaria and Rey seemed to care, or they didn't participate in such activities. He decided not to consider them bystanders; it was nice to have someone on his mental friend list.

"... I'm not sure what Gilbert's trying to accomplish anymore."

Talia Gladys. Captain of the Minerva. She was a serious, hard woman who never took in small talk. Shinn wasn't known to be attentive, but his awareness was amplified compared to his peers. This made him an excellent eavesdropper, with his low reputation also making it easier to be ignored. This allowed him to obtain information, or even listen to anything. Silence, after being given minutes or hours, became too much to bear for a young boy like Shinn. Soldier or not a soldier, he was still a teenager, pumped with curiosity, and some secrets he didn't understand or didn't have the keys to opening.

"A charismatic man attempting to convince a pacifistic woman to accept military measures? What is he thinking?" He heard her footsteps echo, and he stepped away from the corridor quietly, knowing when to cover his tracks and to not cross too far onto boundaries. "She isn't a dog. She isn't stupid. She's hopeful on peace and thinks it's a stable platform. It's her morals, and they have a foundation. Some people are as stubborn as mules."

He wondered who she was talking about, besides Gilbert Durandal, the chairman of the PLANT Supreme Council. Everyone knew about him; he was a politician. Like all politicians, he had mixed a reception. Some believed that he was the key figure to maintaining peace and harmony. Some believed that he had a hidden agenda that, if uncovered, would birth more chaos, more insecurity. One thing was for certain: all had high hopes and beliefs about how the ideal politician should be of.

For Shinn, it was complicated. He did live under the influence of politics, just like everyone else. He remembered that he used to live in the Orb Union, that he had to leave, but nothing else. He knew that it was a neutral nation, which refused to partake in the First Alliance-PLANT War, and that the war was fought on its territory. The leadership subsequently lost their lives: such as Representative Attha.

 _Attha_. The thought of the name bore an innate dislike, as though he blamed him for something. For letting his own nation down, and turning his own civilians into refugees? For getting himself killed, and making a black hole in the position of leadership? For being a politician, who in everyone's eyes, would always have bloody hands, no matter what they deal or achieve?

Shinn was new to the news. He was new to everything. _The Bloody Valentine War ending?_ No clue. _The Treaty of Junius Seven?_ It wasn't stored in any of his mind's contents. _The Orb Union?_ It was as though he never lived there. He may as well have been a refugee from the middle of nowhere.

Politics were always dirty. Necessary, but dirty. People like himself were helping with such garbage cleaning. For the country. For pride. For another life lost.

The sirens began to ring, and he ran to his room to get changed.

* * *

"Impulse, standby for launch."

Shinn hoisted himself into the Core Splendor, and waited for Meyrin to direct any further orders.

Meyrin Hawke, Lunamaria's-

 _Lunamaria's-_

The missing word couldn't compute in his head. It was blocked off; severed from the link. He decided to not think about it; he couldn't screw up using his new mobile suit, entrusted to him after graduation, much to the envy to some of his peers, who were given service roles instead. His record, besides his mental health statement, was close to perfect.

"Pilot, to the Core Splendor. Selecting the sword as the module. Opening Silhouette Hanger 2. Silhouette Glider, standby for launch."

Any unrelated thoughts besides fighting was extinguished. He was now focused, intent on defeating whoever broke the harmony that was initially present. The rest of Meyrin's instructions weren't registered, except the final one. He counted down mentally. His excitement nearly made him enter the battlefield early. It was as though he was made for it; to fight.

He dismissed it as fighting spirit; a boost of morale.

 _I could use some,_ he thought, before shaking his head and driving himself back into action.

"Core Splendor, you are ready for launch!"

* * *

There were three of them. This wasn't one psycho going on a rampage to disrupt the environment, but rather a mission to intentionally destroy the bases, and weaken ZAFT's defenses. Shinn grew angry, over the sight of destroyed hangars and smashed debris around his surroundings. He thought of the countless number of people who may have, or have lost their lives to the senseless act of violence. It was terrorism. But no one expected this. There was supposed to be peace. There were supposed to be tightened security.

"Bastards!" He advanced toward them. "I'll kill you for this!"

He didn't expect those words to come out of his mouth, though it felt fitting for the situation. It felt justified. A chill washed over him, before he assembled into the standard form of his mobile suit. His.

Suddenly, things were in a blur. Scenes were hastily arranged in front of him, and he got lost in his determination.

 _Wielding his weapon. A green ZAKU warrior coming to the rescue. Lunamaria and Rey coming to his aid in their mobile suits. Switching of equipment packs. A tear in the shield. Chasing, chasing._

"You're not getting away!" Shinn declared, as he chased the escapees. All he could think about was tearing them apart, removing them as threats. Nothing else.

"Shinn!" Rey exclaimed. "Don't do this!"

The Blaze ZAKU Phantom, in its distinctive white coating, chased after Shinn himself. Shinn angrily tried to speed up his own actions, by preparing his boosters.

"Get away from me! Can't you see that they're leaving?"

"Shinn, you can't go alone! Lunamaria went missing, my mobile suit needs further maintenance, and your engine may run out of power soon! Get back here!"

"Shut up!"

He was too lost in the moment. The opportunity to get rid of them was too close, too near to grasp. It was the forbidden fruit, and he didn't care about the consequences. He wanted it done now. Not later, not when the time was ripe and more suited. He didn't care. The battlefield felt too empowering. He was doing his task, wasn't he? So why wouldn't Rey keep his tail down?

"You leave me no choice, Shinn. I'm sorry."

"What-"

"Sister."

 _Fear._

* * *

 **A/N**

 **Hello, everyone!**

 **I'm sorry about the massive delay. I recently had examinations, and I'm still busy now, as I have a four week long workshop to prepare for my next academic year. I will try my best to post as soon as I can.**

 **Thank you for waiting, following and favouriting!**


	4. 3: Pricks and Gashes

**_Why, why, why must you activate this same damned old scene-_**

 _He was back in the battlefield, in his old clothes and a phone in his hand. Mayu's phone. Mayu. That was her name. His sister's name. He smelled the dust and inhaled the environment. He held the bark of the tree and steadied himself. This didn't feel right._

 _So familiar. So bad. He felt tension seeping into his bones. He wanted to escape, leave, hide, grab someone and fling them out of the area. He saw her, holding their mother (mother doesn't register properly in his mind nor does father), and reaching out to him. He could have sworn she was smiling, as she rushed to him with open arms, as though she accepted every consequence and her fate._

 _"Mayu!" he screeched. "Mayu! Run, you idiot, run! Leave and never come back!"_

 _She hated being called 'idiot', yet she still ran toward him, smiling and happy and reaching out for his hand and ignoring the blatant tears in his eyes-_

 _Caught in the crossfire, she incinerated, as her head melted off of her body and her clothes were ripped apart for his naked eyes to see, in the disgusting glory presented to him._

 _Yet, in the mayhem, the stench and the dust filling his mouth, his mind was ringing harder than the land being ripped around him. Even as the familiar skin was blown apart in front of him, he could only think in a restricted manner:_

 ** _Who are you? You feel important. Whoever you are, come back, please. Don't leave me alone again._**

 ** _Ma-_**

* * *

"Mayu!" he gasped out. "MAYU!"

"Shinn?" Rey called out. "Come back here, now!"

"Mayu! They took her away from me! Rey, they took her away from me! They... they took my sister away! They blew her to bits, and I could do nothing about it! I... I saw her, Rey. I saw her."

"Saw?"

"I can't stop here... I-"

He activated the boosters. "I will not stop until I kill all of them!"

"Shinn, don't-" Rey protested.

"I'm going to kill-"

"Shinn, don't you get it? If you do this, then you're no better than the ones that took your sister." Shinn's breath seized again. "You don't have enough power either. Come. We have to get you recharged... and recovered. Otherwise, you're no use to anyone. Even Mayu."

That statement nearly tore his heart from his own chest. It was ultimately effective. "M-Mayu isn't coming back, is she? They... they told me that if I... if I kill them all, then she'll come back."

"Who are they?"

"They are helping me. If I kill them all... then they'll give my sister back! They have to! They promised!"

"Shinn, you're better than this. Mayu wouldn't want you to do this, right?"

"Mayu... Mayu never liked violence."

"Exactly. Shinn-"

"Then why did she die so cruelly? Rey, I don't understand. How... how can people be so mean to her? She did nothing wrong."

"Come back, and we can solve this. I... I can bring Mayu back. Not them. You know my name, and you don't know theirs. You can trust me."

"You... can bring Mayu back? You promise?" Shinn's fingers loosened on the booster lever.

"I... I promise. I swear that I'll help you bring Mayu back."

* * *

He reluctantly landed the Gundam in its hangar.

Rey shut off the intercom that they shared in order to 'leave a message'. Shinn wanted him to stay, and let him know how he was going to bring Mayu back, but he knew that it wasn't going to happen for a while.

He was glad that he had someone to trust. He calmed down more, and believed that he would be happy again.

But he was still shaking in his seat, feeling helpless that he alone couldn't save Mayu from her fate. He had to rely on other people to help him, and all he got were empty promises.

 _Not with Rey_ , he thought. _Rey will help me. He has to. He's my friend. Friends don't lie._

He heard some worried mechanics buzz around, and some of them stayed around his machine, like honeybees around their queen bee in a honeycomb. He stayed inside his seat, glued to the possibility that he was more likely to be wedged out of his position by his fellow comrades than get out himself. He wanted that to happen instead of taking the initiative. He was far too scared of his reality.

 _So much has happened._ His mind was clearer now, but he knew the potential of it being lost again. It wasn't difficult.

"Shinn?" It was Vino. "Hey, are you alright?"

Shinn was magnetised by the sudden concern exhibited by the boy. He opened the cockpit, and reluctantly exited. He slid down, and took off his helmet, revealing his tear stricken face to the mechanic.

"Shinn..." Vino wrapped an arm around him. "It's okay. Rey told me about the situation, when he returned. You're in good hands now."

"Vino!" Yolan scolded. "Are you seriously trying to intimidate this weirdo-"

"Yolan, please shut up for a bit."

"No, it's just..." Yolan sighed. "... I think he's worrisome. To himself. We may need to give him some space-"

"Thank you," Shinn whispered, as he cradled himself with both of his arms. "Really."

They both nodded, and left.

* * *

Lunamaria greeted him shortly after he left his room for changing back into his uniform. She held another sad smile; an expression he seemed to only be able to squeeze out of everyone. "Hey. Are you feeling better?"

"Um, not quite? I still feel quite panicky, and-"

"At least you improved. You were shaking before."

"Yeah. I think... I think it was better that Rey removed me out of that situation."

"I don't agree. I mean, it was stupid for you to consider going straight into space to hunt down the mobile suits that we should have the data on tracking already, but for him to trigger a traumatic moment? That is cruel. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

She was right. Although he was grateful for Rey's quick actions, he was disappointed that he went through another uncomfortably mentally distressing moment. "Vino and Yolan talked to me when I exited the Impulse. They were kinder."

"That won't last very long. For Vino, maybe. For Yolan, it can be forgotten in a flash. Don't forget how he thinks about you. He likes to hang around Meyrin a lot, and man, he isn't the best influence on her. He's such a pervert when it comes to Lacus Clyne."

"Lacus?"

"Wow, Shinn. You are sincerely clueless about so many things!" Lunamaria chuckled. "She's a really popular singer in PLANTs. She once fought on the side of the Archangel, and now she's back to support the cause of ZAFT. Quite extraordinary for someone to do that. I wonder if it was difficult for her to switch back. Her father was killed in PLANTs-"

"... really?"

"The War, as you might have known from your... history... it tore apart who we were. Even happy, successful people like Lacus."

"Then why would she come back to the place that haunts her?"

"Maybe she's facing her trauma head on. Sounds like a good example, maybe."

And the rest of the details? Gone. Like a flash.

He forgets to ask Rey to tell him how he could bring back Mayu.

He forgets Mayu.

And like nothing ever happened, as though it didn't matter-

He forgets.

* * *

Days? Weeks? Most certainly, not years.

He sat on the sand, hearing the oceans crash on the shore.

 _I ran away._

 _Not really_. He never supported war. He was a pacifist, but he knew too well how to kill and how to operate a Gundam like it was his own body.

 _Soft like clay. I broke before. Everyone breaks. They rebuild. They survive._

Lacus was patient when it came to his thoughts. She was the nurturing type. Molded to fit in. "Kira?"

He could hear the screams. See people. He was too advanced to ignore what was presented and what was happening. He wasn't a dreamer.

He thought of _the_ cold, depressing aura. So familiar. _Like the boy that he saved before_.

"Is Cagalli okay? Athrun?"

"You know that they wouldn't go down like that. They're persistent."

"But the amount of lives lost in that hangar explosion? That cannot be dismissed."

"Of course not." Her gentleness and grace, exhibited through her voice, was amplified through his enhanced senses. He could feel them. _Cagalli, Athrun, Lacus_. They were okay. They were alive. He couldn't take that for granted, and he never did. "Kira?"

"I... still can't understand."

"Understand what?"

"... remember that boy we saved? Last year?"

"Which one? We accepted six orphans-"

"No. Not the younger ones."

"... oh. Him. Kira, it wasn't anyone's fault that he disappeared."

"-but it was still odd. How he got sent to us. By... by this stranger, who doesn't give us an explanation on why he got hurt and why he needed to be given to us. He was in uniform. You and I, we both know that that stranger was someone-"

"... suspicious. Indeed." She looked at peace, in her pink and blue satin gown. She didn't bother to tie the adorned ribbons. She had to ensure the kids were eating breakfast. "But it is strange about why someone like that would come here and not harm us."

"And the boy was almost completely unresponsive. The hospital had to restrain him. He retaliated against innocent people trying to save him, and he lost himself again. Such trauma and bitterness from a boy was expected if he was from the Earth Alliance. Now, Normals aren't enough, and yet they hate Coordinators." He raised his head up, to look at her. "He was going to be a soldier if we didn't take him. But why would that person want to save his life so much?"


End file.
